{ Original Title: 3월의 보름을 조심하라 | Publisher: Lezhin | Audience: Mature }
Content Warning: The following post may contain mature subject matter not suitable for sensitive readers, including but not limited to, sexual violence and rape. If you are uncomfortable with such material, I suggest you do not continue.
Last we saw these two, Mokhwa had finally asked the question that’s been on his mind for a while now: why does Nakwon feed him and bring him such nice meals? Nakwon is stunned by the question, mostly because he thinks the answer is so obvious. Why else would he spend so much time, money and energy on Mokhwa?
Because he wants to.
Because Kim Nakwon likes Park Mokhwa.
Nakwon starts thinking to himself and we get the chance to see Nakwon at his most honest and most vulnerable. All his life, Nakwon has always done as he pleased, never really catering to anyone else’s needs but his own. He did things the way he wanted whenever he wanted, whether that’s in his professional life or personal life. And never before did he think twice about it.
But when raped Mokhwa and crossed the line, he left “an indelible scar on (Mokhwa’s) naive, unyielding soul.” Nakwon used his authority to control Mokhwa. He knew that Mokhwa could never retaliate, no matter what Nakwon did to him, because Mokhwa was a parolee. One wrong move and Mokhwa could have easily gone back to jail, and Nakwon would have gladly been the one to throw him in a jail cell and turn the key.
Thinking back to the day he tried to rescue Mokhwa at the warehouse, Nakwon bashing his hand with his own gun was a poor excuse at penance. On that day, Nakwon postulated that if he hadn’t harmed Mokhwa, if he hadn’t damaged Mokhwa’s hand this badly, maybe Mokhwa could have defended himself and he wouldn’t be laying in front of Nakwon, beaten, battered, bloodied and dead.
Nakwon is aware that there’s no way to undo all that he has done to Mokhwa. There is no way to take back all the pain that he has caused. He can’t take back damaging Mokhwa’s hand. He can’t take back forcing himself on Mokhwa. And there’s no possible way he could ever ask Mokhwa for forgiveness. Because asking for forgiveness would mean re-opening old wounds. Could he really make Mokhwa bleed again just so he could feel better about himself?
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry because… now, I’ve fallen for you.”
He tells himself that there’s no way he could ever say any of this aloud. But I think Nakwon actually could reveal all of this to Mokhwa, it’s just that his pride won’t allow for it. And actually… now that I think about it, maybe Mokhwa wouldn’t fully understand. It’s not that Mokhwa is stupid by any means, it’s just that Mokhwa’s been in survival mode all his life. What comes to mind is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and how Mokhwa has been fighting for his physiological needs and his safety and security this whole time. He hasn’t had the chance to fulfill his belonging and love needs, especially in the romantic sense. I mean, the guy didn’t know that couples normally spend Christmas Eve together, so he’s not very experienced with romantic love.
While Nakwon is sitting there in complete silence thinking to himself, Mokhwa looks on in concern. He’s never seen Nakwon so quiet before, so he leans in closer to check if he’s okay. Nakwon immediately snaps out of his soliloquy when he realizes that Mokhwa is mere inches away from his face. Mokhwa puts his hand to Nakwon’s forehead to check if he has a fever. That’s not the issue at all, but Nakwon doesn’t correct him and just sits there savoring the rare physical touch from Mokhwa.
I have to admit that this scene, Mokhwa taking Nakwon’s temperature and his being completely unaware of how much Nakwon craves his touch, broke my heart a little bit. Like I’ve said before, I never thought that I would come to pity Nakwon because of all the suffering that he’s caused Mokhwa. But I just feel for this guy in this scene. He’s fallen so deep for Mokhwa, and he knows because of his own past actions, he could never expect Mokhwa to reciprocate his feelings. So he’ll sit and savor this small physical contact because that might be all he’ll ever get.
As the New Year countdown reaches zero, Nakwon silently wishes that Park Gwangwoo is caught this year because then Mokhwa would have no reason to return to his old life. In other words, Mokhwa wouldn’t have a reason to abandon Nakwon.
The two get ready for bed, and Nakwon reminds Mokhwa that he has internet now, so he should take advantage of it, along with all the other things that he bought. Mokhwa tells Nakwon that he really didn’t need to do any of this since Nakwon won’t be staying there long. Nakwon admits that he bought everything for his comfort but it was also for Mokhwa’s comfort too. When Nakwon initially arrived at his place, he had the sudden urge to fill the place with goods. Similar to bringing him meals, Nakwon wanted to take care of Mokhwa’s needs.
Mokhwa literally tucks Nakwon in before he climbs to the other side of the bed to sleep. The guy falls asleep almost instantly. Can I just say that I’m jealous of people who can do that?! It takes me at least 20 minutes to go to sleep. Anyway, Nakwon is in awe of how Mokhwa is sleeping like a log, but then the thought occurs to him that Mokhwa is awfully close to him. He wonders if maybe he could just graze his hand against Mokhwa….
DAMN IT NAKWON. DON’T YOU DARE DO IT. YOU’VE COME SO FAR. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF, SIR!
I guess we’ll just have to see next week if Nakwon gives in to the temptation.
